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Arndt, Bettina ~ The Sex Diaries

When I selected this book I thought
After a couple of decades of naïveté, ignorance, heartbreak, frustration, an ‘is that all there is’ attitude towards sex and finally understanding what works for me, I’m voraciously curious about how others live – and don’t live — their personal lives.

50-word description
Therapist, media commentator and author Bettina Arndt advertised for couples to diarise their sexual lives for up to a year. Ninety-eight couples and individuals in relationships corresponded about the daily negotiations, power plays, battles and rare triumphs with their desire and satisfaction levels.

(Many more than) 150-word review
Allowing diarists to effectively own the book’s contents has inevitably placed focus on repetitive, time-worn problems in long-term relationships. Arndt’s suggested solutions to resolve desire and libido incompatibilities are simple but never easy and her subjects read predominantly as frustrated and confused men and bitter and angry women. The few women whose libidos out-grunt their partners’ and the couples who share satisfying sex lives are displayed proudly like endangered parrots – admired by those who appreciate their beauty but are targets to be shot down by a resentful adult population based on diarists’ convictions of the desire chasm between men and women.

Media commentary has honed in on Arndt’s suggestion that partners with the lowest sex drive — almost always intending women — ‘gift’ sex to their more highly-driven partners more often and, by having more sex, will realise it’s not so bad after all and garner enthusiasm. Exploration of consent issues and a discussion of rape versus obligation are sadly ignored. Why would – or should — a woman lie back and think of tomorrow’s schedule while her partner gets his fill in a half-hearted, barely-better-than-nothing way? ‘Should’ instead of ‘want’ advances neither gender’s sexual progress.

Arndt complements correspondents’ diary notes with interesting research into human sexuality, useful anatomy primers and extensive quotes from other works of a similar sphere. While the book at its onset takes a male-centric view of sexual frustration, Arndt is brave enough to call the bluffs of some women who blame busy lives and housework for low libidos but who admit they’d avoid sex if the house was sparkling. She also takes task with men who don’t learn that if one behaviour doesn’t work then trying it more frequently is self defeating, and shows that while monogamy is a societal expectation, affairs can have the side effect of invigorating desire.

I recommend the book to be read as a compilation of common relationship problems, and explored in conjunction with Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity for its analysis of human desire and heartening and occasionally radical exploration of maintaining satisfying relationships.

Then again, a million books can suggest change but nothing will occur unless everyone takes a stand against gender and sexual inequity in society. We have unprecedented permission to blossom and engage in fulfilling sexual lives but are defeated from the outset in myriad other ways. Women don’t hit their supposed sexual peaks in their late 30s-early 40s for physical reasons; it’s often because they’ve finally learned enough about their sexuality to know what works and the pending invisibility of middle age creeps up and accelerates the urge to screw without caring what others think. Remove every piece of advertising that objectifies women sexually and portrays men as simple dolts who don’t do housework. Kill off the alive-and-well double standard that sexually active and skilled men have experience but their female equivalents are sluts. Bin the women’s magazines that feature unusually beautiful women on the covers and that prey on and encourage physical insecurity within their pages. Throw out the adult movies with grossly unrepresentative and passive women and use the web for home-made videos with real people enjoying themselves. Continue teaching young people about sex education, health and pregnancy but allow them to learn about the lifelong pleasures of their bodies. Stop treating lesbian sex as less authentic as gay or heterosexual sex and drop the “she just hasn’t met the right man” ethos. Do something nice for a partner every day and engender the relationship triad of love, lust and like. Acknowledge and encourage the awesome power of a woman in sexual flight. Many men do not understand the female anatomy and pathways to orgasm and many women remain equally ignorant of their own bodies; women cannot expect men to find their way around if they do not themselves have the knowledge, confidence and freedom from judgement to know and say what they want. Be open to considering non-traditional arrangements such as polyamory to inject new interest and sexual charge to long-term relationships.

Then, and only then, will a book start making a difference.

bettina arndt ~ the sex diaries

Found in
Home library non-fiction A

Read
Apr 09

Links
Bettina Arndt web site
Frankston Library catalogue link

Rating
Worthwhile

This is book 22 of the project.