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Arndt, Bettina ~ The Sex Diaries

When I selected this book I thought
After a couple of decades of naïveté, ignorance, heartbreak, frustration, an ‘is that all there is’ attitude towards sex and finally understanding what works for me, I’m voraciously curious about how others live – and don’t live — their personal lives.

50-word description
Therapist, media commentator and author Bettina Arndt advertised for couples to diarise their sexual lives for up to a year. Ninety-eight couples and individuals in relationships corresponded about the daily negotiations, power plays, battles and rare triumphs with their desire and satisfaction levels.

(Many more than) 150-word review
Allowing diarists to effectively own the book’s contents has inevitably placed focus on repetitive, time-worn problems in long-term relationships. Arndt’s suggested solutions to resolve desire and libido incompatibilities are simple but never easy and her subjects read predominantly as frustrated and confused men and bitter and angry women. The few women whose libidos out-grunt their partners’ and the couples who share satisfying sex lives are displayed proudly like endangered parrots – admired by those who appreciate their beauty but are targets to be shot down by a resentful adult population based on diarists’ convictions of the desire chasm between men and women.

Media commentary has honed in on Arndt’s suggestion that partners with the lowest sex drive — almost always intending women — ‘gift’ sex to their more highly-driven partners more often and, by having more sex, will realise it’s not so bad after all and garner enthusiasm. Exploration of consent issues and a discussion of rape versus obligation are sadly ignored. Why would – or should — a woman lie back and think of tomorrow’s schedule while her partner gets his fill in a half-hearted, barely-better-than-nothing way? ‘Should’ instead of ‘want’ advances neither gender’s sexual progress.

Arndt complements correspondents’ diary notes with interesting research into human sexuality, useful anatomy primers and extensive quotes from other works of a similar sphere. While the book at its onset takes a male-centric view of sexual frustration, Arndt is brave enough to call the bluffs of some women who blame busy lives and housework for low libidos but who admit they’d avoid sex if the house was sparkling. She also takes task with men who don’t learn that if one behaviour doesn’t work then trying it more frequently is self defeating, and shows that while monogamy is a societal expectation, affairs can have the side effect of invigorating desire.

I recommend the book to be read as a compilation of common relationship problems, and explored in conjunction with Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity for its analysis of human desire and heartening and occasionally radical exploration of maintaining satisfying relationships.

Then again, a million books can suggest change but nothing will occur unless everyone takes a stand against gender and sexual inequity in society. We have unprecedented permission to blossom and engage in fulfilling sexual lives but are defeated from the outset in myriad other ways. Women don’t hit their supposed sexual peaks in their late 30s-early 40s for physical reasons; it’s often because they’ve finally learned enough about their sexuality to know what works and the pending invisibility of middle age creeps up and accelerates the urge to screw without caring what others think. Remove every piece of advertising that objectifies women sexually and portrays men as simple dolts who don’t do housework. Kill off the alive-and-well double standard that sexually active and skilled men have experience but their female equivalents are sluts. Bin the women’s magazines that feature unusually beautiful women on the covers and that prey on and encourage physical insecurity within their pages. Throw out the adult movies with grossly unrepresentative and passive women and use the web for home-made videos with real people enjoying themselves. Continue teaching young people about sex education, health and pregnancy but allow them to learn about the lifelong pleasures of their bodies. Stop treating lesbian sex as less authentic as gay or heterosexual sex and drop the “she just hasn’t met the right man” ethos. Do something nice for a partner every day and engender the relationship triad of love, lust and like. Acknowledge and encourage the awesome power of a woman in sexual flight. Many men do not understand the female anatomy and pathways to orgasm and many women remain equally ignorant of their own bodies; women cannot expect men to find their way around if they do not themselves have the knowledge, confidence and freedom from judgement to know and say what they want. Be open to considering non-traditional arrangements such as polyamory to inject new interest and sexual charge to long-term relationships.

Then, and only then, will a book start making a difference.

bettina arndt ~ the sex diaries

Found in
Home library non-fiction A

Read
Apr 09

Links
Bettina Arndt web site
Frankston Library catalogue link

Rating
Worthwhile

This is book 22 of the project.

Auel, Jean ~ The Clan of the Cave Bear

When I selected this book I thought
I have seen The Clan of the Cave Bear in bookshops and at the library umpteen times but always looked away from historical fantasy out of a misplaced fear of dying of boredom. It was time to open my mind a little.

50-word description
Set about 35,000 years ago, the traditions of Neanderthal clan members are threatened when they discover a badly-injured girl following an earthquake. They raise the orphaned child, Ayla, an alien from the more modern Cro-Magnons whose difference in physical features hint of and later turn into life-threatening rifts as Ayla’s character develops.

150-word review
The Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons had to worry about survival and alarmingly brief life spans but didn’t have to get their furry knickers in a knot about computers breaking and fretting about when the last back-up was performed. I had everything on a removable hard drive except this review and I’m sure as hell not going to piece it all together again.

The grumpy, potted version is that I marvelled at Auel’s scene setting, characterisation and construction of seasonal routines, gender roles and the weaving of the rigid lives of the fading Neanderthals with Ayla as the representative of a more modern era in its youth.

From memory, chunks of the story became caught in excessive description and some of Ayla’s discoveries were more “Eureka!” moments than signs of higher intelligence, but I dare anyone to go so far back in time and design a world, its people and customs and add a compelling set of storylines without stumbling a few times. I am not worthy.

jean auel ~ the clan of the cave bear

Found in
Fiction A

Read
Feb 09

Links
Jean Auel’s Earth Children Site
Frankston Library catalogue link

Rating
Worthwhile

This is book 17 of the project.

Ammaniti, Niccolò ~ Steal You Away

When I selected this book I thought
Vacuous little me was in the library on a sunny day and attracted by the beachy cover image. Wandering thoughts filled my head of Italian men I have never known and the blurb on the back cover was understated and well-written, too.

50-word description
How to pack this summary into 50 words? A boy failing school in an Italian town gets into trouble because of local bullies while a middle-aged, delusional playboy tries to convince his latest fiancée to return to the same town of his youth. Their lives intertwine and things turn to shit.

150-word review
The book’s start was bumpy to the point I put it away, but reminded myself that my job is to not give up because of stylistic disagreements. Thank goodness sense won the battle over laziness because I’d have missed a pretty entertaining read.

Ammaniti has a grand time turning most of his characters into pitiful creatures and manipulating their weaknesses like undisciplined marionettes. In particular, the regular popping of lady-chasing Graziano’s ego is pin-sharp and often darkly funny.

The lives of schoolboy Pietro and ageing Graziano merge in Ischiano Scalo and the other townsfolks’ goings-about are incorporated vibrantly into the happenings of a Tuscan town. Ammaniti sticks his tongue out at the trend of happy endings and delivers a climax that leaves a bittersweet feeling of I wish it didn’t have to end like that, but really, it did. With some reining in during the editing process, this could be a stunning book.

The author’s other novel, I’m Not Scared, is apparently a better read, so off to the library I go.

niccolo amminiti ~ steal you away

Found in
Fiction A

Borrowed
Dec 08

Author’s link:
Author’s web site

Rating
Worthwhile

This is book 13 of the project.

Athill, Diana ~ Stet

When I selected this book I thought
I adored Diana Athill’s most recent book, Somewhere Towards the End, on her impressions of ageing and being firmly in the twilight of life (she’s 91) and wanted another dip into her worldliness and sharp expression.

50-word description
Diana Athill was born in 1917 and spent half a century in the book publishing business. The first half of the book explores her career, the publishing industry over the decades and its characters. The latter half sketches some of the more distinctive writers she worked with and their many talents and imperfections.

150-word review
How easy it would be to underestimate this book as a charming memoir penned by a keen-eyed old woman. It is all that and also contains a feast of wisdom lurking behind biting assessments of those who passed her desk.

Athill understates her professional achievements and business partnership with the “mean old bastard,” Andre Deutsch, and focuses her account on the no-nonsense pursuit of the interesting rather than external trappings of success. The book’s first section details Athill’s working life and the corporatisation of publishing. The second half’s essays on writers she “nannied” jars somewhat and could have been weaved into the main story. A highlight, though, is the account of her prickly association with VS Naipaul; I doubt she’s on his Christmas card list after her tart compilation of his myriad character defects.

Structural quibble aside, thankfully the editor switched roles and allowed her own expressive abilities to outdo many of her former clients’.

diana athill ~ stet

Found in
Bio/Autobio A

Borrowed
Nov 08

Author’s link:
Diana Athill’s writing room

Rating
Worthwhile

This is book 7 of the project.

Abidi, Azhar ~ Passarola Rising

When I selected this book I thought
I am more shallow and distracted by pretty shiny things than I thought – the cover’s curious flying ship and graduated hues of blue from sapphire to turquoise to faded sky had me gripping the book for grim life in case another bower bird tried to steal it from my clutches.

50-word description
Set in 18^th-century Portugal, a clever, head-in-the-clouds man designs a flying ship and encourages his adventurous but aimless younger brother to join him on a great adventure. Their endeavours are supported by forward-thinking monarchs and thwarted by a cranky cardinal, who takes extreme steps to end the ungodly nature of manned flight.

(More than) 150-word review
Abidi took on a bold challenge to re-invent the lives of two historical figures, Bartolomeu and Alexandre Lourenco, and take to the skies Francesco Lana-Terzi’s 17^th-century plans of a flying machine called the Passarola.

A dose of faith is needed to believe the clunky-looking airship on the book’s cover can fly and navigate successfully from Portugal to far-flung places such as France, the North Pole and India. The dilemma faced by fantasies based on real life is the inherent promise to entertain and educate and my inner historian kept asking if the airship could indeed fly (no, according to the author’s research — sorry) and checking if other characters borrowed from history – such as Voltaire – were authentic of the period.

The story is narrated by Alexandre recounting his life’s journey with a tinge of regret. He recalls events clearly but doesn’t reflect meaningfully (I’m unsure if this is a ‘telling more than showing’ style of the author or the deliberate voice of a directionless man). The book would have been markedly different (and perhaps even more lively) if the story was told by daredevil priest Bartolomeu.

The book skims several premises – including science, politics and the influence of religion– and feels torn between being a rollicking adventure or philosophical journey. Abidi is skilled and imaginative enough to master both between the covers but tries to please everyone. Passarola Rising is a wonderful story in its own right but should have been allowed to bloom more ambitiously.

azhar abidi ~ passarola rising

Found in
Fiction A

Borrowed
Oct 08

Author’s link:
The book’s blog

Rating
Worthwhile

This is book 4 of the project.